AES'S 35TH CASSETTE PROGRAM RELEASE
VERSION 2.0
W.K.I.D.
FM 1 0 6
"TAMPA BAY RADIO THAT'S ACTUALLY ENTERTAINING"
FEATURING:
() CRAZY HARRY PALMER (D.J. FRONTIER)
THE TOP RATED AFTERNOON CELEBRITY DJ AT W.K.I.D., HARRY IS
LOOKING FORWARD TO ANOTHER CRAZY FRIDAY DRIVE HOME ON
HIS POPULAR RADIO PROGRAM. IF ONLY OUR HERO KNEW JUST HOW
CRAZY THIS RUSH HOUR IS GOING TO BE.
() BMW (CHARLOTTE DURNELL)
THE SOPHISTICATED SOCIALITE, BMW, WHO'S ACTUAL NAME IS
ELIZABETH, IS TRYING TO MAKE A NAME FOR HERSELF IN
BROADCAST JOURNALISM. BMW BELIEVES THAT MOST OF THE
STAFF AT W.K.I.D. ARE BENEATH HER, BUT MANAGES TO GET ALONG
WITH HARRY.
() AIR DOG (DAVID BAKER)
THE ONLY PERSON ON W.K.I.D.'S STAFF THAT IS MORE PERVERSE
THAN HARRY, MANAGEMENT DECIDED TO PUT AIR DOG IN THEIR
TRAFFIC PATROL HELICOPTER TO KEEP HIM OUT OF THE STUDIO,
AVOIDING BOTH A SEXUAL HARASSMENT LAWSUIT FROM SEVERAL
OF THE FEMALE OFFICE STAFF, AND A DISCRIMINATION LAWSUIT
FROM AIR DOG. AIR DOG WAS RECENTLY SUSPENDED FOR
HOVERING OVER PARADISE LAKES, A TAMPA BAY NUDIST COLONY.
THE ULTRA COOL STORYLINE:
IT'S A FRIDAY AFTERNOON, AND RUSH HOUR HAS BEGUN. THIS PARTICULAR FRIDAY IS THE 13TH, AND MURPHY'S LAW IS IN FULL FORCE. NUMEROUS DISASTERS, ACCIDENTS, CUBAN PROTESTERS, AND A HELICOPTER CRASH CAUSE THE GREATEST TRAFFIC JAM IN TAMPA BAY'S HISTORY...
W.K.I.D. WILL COVER EVENTS AS THEY UNFOLD.
RUSH HOUR
CPR 0035 THEME: RADIO PARODY
© 1995 AES ENTERPRISES
© 1997 GEOMEDIA PRODUCTIONS
TELEPLAY BY
C. A. PASSINAULT
PROGRAM OUTLINE
30 APRIL 1997
REVISED 11 MAY 1997
VERSION 2.0 28 MAY 1997
SIDE A
() MONOLOGUE 1: (HARRY) "BREAK"
() DIALOGUE A: (HARRY/ AIR DOG) "TRAFFIC UPDATE"
() DIALOGUE B: (HARRY/ BMW) "TOP FIVE AT FIVE"
() DIALOGUE C: (HARRY/ AIR DOG) "SUMMER DAZE"
() DIALOGUE D: (HARRY/ AIR DOG) "RUSHED"
SIDE B
() MONOLOGUE 2: (BMW) "BREAKING"
() DIALOGUE E: (HARRY/ BMW) "CHAOS"
() DIALOGUE F: (HARRY/ CALLER) "(LIKE A) PRAYER"
() MONOLOGUE 4: (BMW) "RESCUE (ME)"
() DIALOGUE G: (HARRY/ BMW) "THE SIEGE"
COMMERCIAL PARODIES
()1 FREDERICK'S OF CAROLLWOOD (RETAIL)
()2 PORTER'S GYM (HEALTH CLUB)
()3 CLUB VIXEN (NIGHT CLUB)
()4 PIG'S (TELEVISION SHOW)
()5 TRICKY MICKY'S TRICKED TRUCKS (CUSTOM AUTOMOTIVE)
()6 CIRCUS CRUISE LINES (CRUISE/ CASINO)
()7 SLIM SYSTEMS (DIET PLAN)
()8 SKIDZ (ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE NIGHT CLUB)
()9 FLORIDA YOUR FAULT (AUTO INSURANCE)
()10 CIRCLE OF FRIENDS (TELEVISION SHOW)
()11 PSYCHO FRIENDS NETWORK (900 LINE)
()12 CARING HANDS (CHARTER SPOOF)
PROLOGUE (CPR INTRO)
BMW:
"THE FOLLOWING IS A TRUE ACCOUNT OF THE EVENTS OF FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 13TH, 1996. AS AN EMPLOYEE OF TAMPA BAY RADIO STATION W.K.I.D., FM 106, I LIVED THROUGH ONE OF THE WORST DISASTERS IN THE BAY AREA'S HISTORY."
FRONTIER:
"GEOMEDIA PRODUCTIONS PROUDLY PRESENTS"
BMW:
"IMAGINE IF YOU WILL THE TRAFFIC JAM FROM HELL. IMAGINE URBAN FLOODING, RIOTS, AND A MASSIVE COMMUTER NIGHTMARE. THIS IS OUR STORY."
FRONTIER:
"A CASSETTE PROGRAM RELEASE FROM OMEGA TEAM"
BMW:
"PREPARE TO EXPERIENCE A RUSH....'"
FRONTIER:
"AES'S 35TH RELEASE"
BMW:
"A RUSH LIKE NO OTHER...."
FRONTIER:
"R U S H H O U R ! ! ! ! "
AIR DOG:
"HAHAHAHAHAH- FASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS........."
MONOLOGUE 1: "BREAK"
HARRY:
"OK, TAMPA BAY, IT'S THAT TIME OF THE WEEK AGAIN! I'M YOUR IN-SANE HOST, CRAZY HARRY PALMER, HERE TO DRIVE YOU HOME AS WE BRAVE RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC.
COMING UP ON THE 5PM MARK, IT'S A SWELTERING 96 DEGREE'S OF URBAN SUMMER HELL- BUT DON'T SWEAT IT, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, IT IS, AFTER ALL, A FRIDAY AFTERNOON! COMING UP AT 5 IS THE EXTREMELY SEXY BMW WITH HER TOP 5 NEWS STORIES OF THE DAY...I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I WOULDN'T MISS THAT FOR THE WORLD.
AFTER BMW'S CRUISE IN THE SPOTLIGHT, PROVIDING WE CAN TUNE HIM IN, WE'LL HAVE AIR DOG'S EYE IN THE SKY POINT OF VIEW WITH HIS EXCLUSIVE TRAFFIC UPDATE.
AS A REMINDER, THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE HAS ISSUED A SEVERE WEATHER BULLETIN. WE'LL HAVE MORE INFORMATION AT THE TOP OF THE HOUR."
DIALOGUE A: "TRAFFIC UPDATE"
HARRY:
"WE FINALLY GOT A HOLD OF AIR DOG, WHO'S OUT HOVERING SOMEWHERE OVER TAMPA STADIUM. HEY AIR DOG, HOW DOES THAT TRAFFIC LOOK?"
AIR DOG:
"TRAFFIC IS BEGINNING TO BUILD UP ALONG DALE MABRY GOING NORTH, ON THE HOWARD FRANKLIN BRIDGE, AND ON THE COURTNEY CAMPBELL CAUSEWAY. THERE'S AN ACCIDENT ON MARTIN LUTHER KING, AT THE INTERSECTION OF MLK AND HIMES; IT'S A BIG MESS, SO A DEFINITE STEER CLEAR IS RECOMMENDED.
THIS IS AN UPDATE FROM YOUR EYE IN THE SKY, AIR DOG, AND HERE'S ANOTHER FRIENDLY REMINDER; WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH WITH THAT BORING PICK UP TRUCK, TAKE A SPIN DOWN TO TRICKY MICKY'S TRICKED TRUCKS. BRAND NAME TRUCKS CUSTOMIZED TO YOUR EVERY EXPECTATION, LOW DOWN PAYMENTS WITH THEIR E-Z FINANCE OPTION, AND THE BEST TRADE IN VALUE PROGRAM IN TAMPA. TRICKY MICKY'S TRICKED TRUCKS. THEIR TRUCKS ARE THE TRICK."
DIALOGUE B: "TOP 5 AT 5"
HARRY:
"YOU'RE CRUISING HOME TO THE TUNE OF W.K.I.D., AND THIS IS EVERYONE'S FAVORITE RUSH HOUR DJ, CRAZY HARRY PALMER! IT'S
5 PM, TIME TO CLOSE OUT THE WEEK, AND LET THE WEEK END
BEGIN! IT'S ALSO TIME FOR BMW TO CRUISE ON IN AND GIVE US THE TOP 5 AT 5... A BMW THAT I, QUITE FRANKLY, WOULDN'T MIND WASHING AND WAXING....."
BMW:
"CRUISE ON IN? WASHING AND WAXING? HOW MANY TIME'S DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU HARRY, I AM NOT A BLOODY AUTOMOBILE....AND EVEN IF I WERE, YOU WOULDN'T EVEN GET IN MY DOOR. (LAUGHS) WE'LL SETTLE THIS LATER, HARRY.
THIS NEWSCAST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY SKIDZ, THE NEW ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLES NIGHTCLUB IN YBOR CITY.
LEADING THE NEWS, THE COAST GUARD REPORTS THAT ALL FIFTEEN-HUNDRED PASSENGERS FROM THE CIRCUS CRUISE LINE'S LUXURY LINER "SEAHORSE" HAVE BEEN ACCOUNTED FOR AFTER THE DEADLY COLLISION OFF OF SARASOTA WITH THE RUSSIAN AMMONIA TANKER "RED TIDE".
619 PEOPLE HAVE BEEN REPORTED KILLED IN THE DISASTER, AND OFFICIALS ESTIMATE THAT OVER ONE MILLION GALLONS OF VOLATILE ANHYDROUS AMMONIA WERE DUMPED IN THE GULF. THE SPILL HAS CONTAMINATED HUNDREDS OF SQUARE MILES OF WATER, AND OFFICIALS ARE CONCERNED ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT OF THE FISH AND SEALIFE THAT WILL WASH UP ON FLORIDA BEACHES.
CLEARWATER OFFICIALS ARE CRACKING DOWN ON T-BACK BATHING SUITS ON CITY BEACHES. POLICE ARE ON THE LOOK OUT AFTER SEVERAL T-BACK HOT DOG VENDORS RESORTED TO CREATIVE MARKETING GIMMICKS WITH THEIR PRODUCT. ONE MAN LANDED IN THE HOSPITAL AS A RESULT OF ONE OF THESE MARKETING EFFORTS; HE CRASHED HIS CORVETTE INTO A NEARBY STOREFRONT. THE MAN REPORTED THAT HE BECAME DISTRACTED AFTER A WOMAN ATE ONE OF HER WEENIES- WITHOUT THE BUN. POLICE CHARGED THE WOMAN WITH INDECENT EXPOSURE AND PUBLIC OBSCENITY. OTHER CHARGES ARE PENDING.
POLICE RAIDED LAKELAND'S INFAMOUS "CLUB VIXEN" EARLY THIS MORNING. SEVERAL GIRLS WERE ARRESTED, CHARGED WITH PROSTITUTION, RACKETEERING, AND DRUG CHARGES. A LAWYER FOR THE CLUB STATED THAT HIS CLIENTS WOULD FIGHT THE PROSTITUTION CHARGES; WHILE THEY DO ADMIT TO HAVING SEX WITH CLIENTS OF THE CLUB, THEY WERE NOT PAID FOR THE ACTS.
THE CITY OF LAKELAND HAS BEEN TRYING TO SHUT DOWN THE NIGHT CLUB FOR OVER TWO YEARS, CITING HEALTH HAZARDS, RISING CRIME, AND MORAL DECAY OF THE SURROUNDING COMMUNITY.
METEOROLOGIST'S FORECAST SEVERE WEATHER TONIGHT AND TOMORROW MORNING THROUGHOUT THE BAY AREA. A TORNADO WATCH HAS BEEN ISSUED FOR PINELLIS, HILLSBOROUGH, PASCO, POLK, AND MANATEE COUNTIES. EXPECT HEAVY THUNDERSTORMS, HIGH WINDS, DANGEROUS LIGHTNING, AND LOCAL FLOODING. IF YOU ENCOUNTER ANY SEVERE WEATHER, IT IS STRESSED THAT YOU SEEK SHELTER IMMEDIATELY.
TO TOP OFF THE TOP 5 AT 5, BAY AREA CUBAN'S ARE OUTRAGED AT PRESIDENT CLINTON'S NEW IMMIGRATION POLICY, AND ARE STAGING DEMONSTRATIONS AGAIN AT SEVERAL LOCATIONS IN TAMPA. THE LARGEST CROWD OF OVER ONE THOUSAND HAS GATHERED AT THE INTERSECTION OF DALE MABRY AND COLUMBUS AVENUE. UNLIKE PROTESTS OF THE PAST, HOWEVER, LOCAL CUBAN LEADERS PROMISE THAT THEY WILL NOT INTERFERE WITH THE FLOW OF TRAFFIC. TAMPA POLICE ARE AT THE LOCATIONS TO OBSERVE.
THAT WAS THE TOP 5 AT 5. I'M BMW, AND YOU'RE LISTENING TO W.K.I.D.,
FM 106, TAMPA BAY'S HOME OF THE HITS!"
DIALOGUE C: "SUMMER DAZE"
HARRY:
"THE WEEK IS OVER, AND THE WEEKEND HAS JUST BEGUN. UNFORTUNATELY FOR ALL YOU LISTENERS OUT THERE, IT'S GONNA STORM THIS WEEKEND! SO....GRAB THOSE RAINCOATS- FOR THE GENTLEMEN OUT THERE, THAT TOO- AND PACK THOSE NIGHT CLUBS AND PARTIES.
AAAAAAH, SUMMER. IT'S A TIME FOR PICNICS WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS,
TENDER MOMENTS WITH THAT SOMEONE SPECIAL, BUZZING MOSQUITO'S AND BITING ANTS UNDERMINING YOUR EVERY EXPERIENCE, NAKED WRESTLING MATCHES IN THE BACKSEAT OF YOUR.........(!!!!)
OK, OUR STUDIO LINES ARE CURRENTLY OPEN FOR CALLS. WE HAVE A CALLER ON LINE ONE, SO LET'S PICK UP ON IT...."
HARRY:
"W.K.I.D., CRAZY HARRY PALMER HERE, WHO'S THIS?"
GIRL:
"HELLO HARRY, I'M KIM...."
HARRY:
"OK, KIM, WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?"
KIM:
"A LOT HARRY. I JUST CALLED TO TELL YOU THAT THERE'S A LOT OF US WOMEN OUT HERE WHO RESENT THE SEXIST REMARKS THAT YOU SEEM TO CONSTANTLY MAKE. WHY CAN'T YOU BE NORMAL FOR ONCE?"
HARRY:
"NORMAL? HAVE YOU EVER SAT DOWN, KIM, AND THOUGHT ABOUT NORMAL? ARE YOU NORMAL? AM I? OH, LET ME GUESS, YOU'RE PERFECTLY NORMAL, RIGHT?!? ALL THE NORMAL PEOPLE OF TAMPA BAY GOT TOGETHER AND DECLARED YOU THE HOLY GRAIL OF NORMALTY, RIGHT?!?!"
KIM:
"IT'S NOT THAT, IT'S JUST THAT YOU OFFEND....."
HARRY:
"OFFEND?!?!?! OFFEND WHO? LADY, YOU'RE OFFENDING ME RIGHT NOW....ISN'T THIS AMERICA? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO SAY WHAT'S NORMAL AND WHO'S OFFENSIVE? IF I'M TO BE DAMNED, DAMN ME FOR WHO I AM, PRINCESS!!!! "
KIM:
"GOD, TAKE A CHILL PILL, HARRY-YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET HOSTILE TOWARD ME....YOU'RE TO AGGRESSIVE!"
HARRY:
"AGGRESSIVE. MY GOD, YOU PRIM AND PROPER CONSERVATIVE TYPES DO HAVE A WAY WITH WORDS, DON'T YOU? I HAVE A WORD FOR YOU KIM...."
KIM:
"WHAT'S THAT?" (EXHALES IN DISGUST.....)
HARRY:
"FUN. THAT'S ONE THAT YOU OBVIOUSLY DO NOT KNOW!!!! DO YOU GO TO CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY, KIM? ARE YOU A CONSERVATIVE AMERICAN WHO GASP'S IN SHOCK AT EVERY HEADLINE THAT YOU HEAR ON THE NEWS? DO YOU WORK 9 TO 5, EACH AND EVERY DAY, ALL WORK, NO PLAY? GET OFF OF THE SELL OUT SOCIETY BANDWAGON, PRINCESS- GET REAL!!! QUIT HIDING BEHIND RELIGION, SUPERFICIAL MORALITY, AND EXCUSES- FACE UP TO LIFES CHALLENGES AND LIVE A LITTLE! BE A LEADER FOR ONCE, AND QUIT FOLLOWING........"
KIM:
"I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS!......(((CLICK)))"
HARRY:
"WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. ANOTHER PLASTIC PERSON BITES THE DUST.....OUT OF THE THOUSANDS OF ULTRA COOL PEOPLE IN TAMPA BAY, WHY DO I HAVE TO GET A GEEK?
AFTER THAT CALL, I'M REALLY IN THE MOOD TO PARTY!!!! WHO KNOWS, MAYBE KIM WILL COME DOWN TO THE STATION AND LECTURE ME ABOUT NOT BEING NORMAL.....LISTEN, NORMAL'S BORING!!! ANYWAY, LET'S GET IN TOUCH WITH AIR DOG, WHO'S PRESENTLY PARTYING WITH THE INCOMING STORM CLOUDS....AIR DOG, WHAT'S THE SITUATION ON THE TRAFFIC? IS IT NORMAL?????"
AIR DOG:
"IT'S FAR FROM NORMAL, HARRY....BAY AREA ROADS ARE PACKED. THERE'S A MASSIVE ACCIDENT AT BUSCH AND I-275, FIVE CARS ARE SMASHED, AND ONE WAS ON FIRE. POLICE ARE ON THE SCENE, DIRECTING TRAFFIC AROUND THE WRECKAGE, BUT IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO STOP THE BUMPER TO BUMPER PARADE ON 275. AN ALTERNATE ROUTE IS RECOMMENDED. THE HOWARD FRANKLIN AND COURTNEY ARE GOING SMOOTHLY AT THIS TIME. IT HASN'T STARTED TO RAIN YET IN TAMPA, BUT IT'S COMING DOWN IN PINELLIS. BUTTON UP AND DRIVE CAREFULLY, THIS IS AIR DOG FOR W.K.I.D. AIR TRAFFIC PATROL."
DIALOGUE D: "RUSHED"
HARRY:
"TRAFFIC IS NOW IN FULL SWING....WE HAVE HELICOPTER TRAFFIC REPORTER AIR DOG STANDING BY WITH AN IMPORTANT TRAFFIC UPDATE...."
AIR DOG:
"YES HARRY, THINGS ARE GETTING OUT OF HAND AT COLUMBUS AND DALE MABRY. A TAMPA POLICE OFFICER HAD WHAT APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN A STRUGGLE WITH A ROWDY PROTESTER, AND WE NOW HAVE A CROWD OF AROUND 1500 PEOPLE DOWN THERE. WE'RE GOING DOWN FOR A CLOSER LOOK....
OH- MY GOD! THERE'S A CONVERTIBLE WITH FOUR TOPLESS GIRLS IN IT- UH, HARRY, IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE HAVING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES- WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A FURTHER UPDATE.....OK, QUICK- KILL THE RADIO.....JEEZ, THEY'RE CRUISING RIGHT BY THE PROTESTERS.....NO, JOHN, THERE-THE WHITE MUSTANG...RIGHT THERE, THAT'S IT! TAKE US IN CLOSER....GOD, THOSE BABES ARE HOT!"
HARRY:
"EXCUSE ME, UM, AIR DOG? YOU'RE STILL ON THE AIR...."
AIR DOG:
"WHAT?!? S-S-SORRY HARRY, WE, UH....."
HARRY:
"KIND OF LIKE THE TIME YOU FLEW OVER A NUDIST COLONY SEVERAL TIMES WITH A VIDEO CAMERA?"
AIR DOG:
"YOU GOT ME THERE, HARRY.....WE- HEY!!!! JOHN, WATCH OUT FOR THE POWER LINES! RIGHT! RIGHT!! GO RIGH- "
(CRASH/STATIC)
HARRY:
"................WE'RE GOING TO PAUSE FOR A FEW SONGS, TAMPA BAY, WHILE WE TRY TO, UM, GET AIR DOG BACK."
(END SIDE A)
PRODUCTION NOTE:
MAJORITY OF COMMERCIALS ARE SHUFFLED TO SIDE B; AS SIDE B IS NOT AS MONO/DIALOGUE INTENSIVE.
(SIDE B)
MONOLOGUE 2: "BREAKING"
BMW:
"WE HAVE SOME SERIOUS, BREAKING NEWS....."
(SHE IS ALMOST OVERCOME WITH EMOTION)
"THE W.K.I.D. HELICOPTER CRASHED SEVERAL MINUTES AGO AT DALE MABRY AND COLUMBUS. THE CRASH CUT DOWN POWER LINES AND SPREAD A PATH OF DEBRIS UP DALE MABRY TOWARD THE STADIUM. SEVERAL AUTOMOBILES WERE DESTROYED BY THE IMPACT, AND PARAMEDICS ARE ENROUTE TO THE SCENE.
ACCORDING TO REPORTS, THE CUBAN PROTESTERS ARE RIOTING. POLICE ARE UNDER EQUIPPED TO HANDLE THE MOB, AND ARE FLEEING THE AREA. TRAFFIC IN THE VICINITY OF THE INTERSECTION HAS COMPLETELY STOPPED; THE BACKUP IS EXTENDING FOR MILES. REPORTS ARE SKETCHY PERTAINING TO THE DEAD AND WOUNDED, BUT EYEWITNESS REPORTS INDICATE A MASSIVE DISASTER. THE FOLLOWING IS A CELLEUR TELEPHONE CALL THAT WE RECEIVED MOMENTS AFTER THE CRASH."
(DROP PHONE SEGMENT)
ELDERLY WOMAN:
"OH DEEEEEEAR......IT'S HORRIBLE! THERE IS BLOOD AND MEAT EVERYWHERE- PEOPLE ARE DIEING.......PLEASE, WE NEED HELP!
THE HELICOPTER IS ON FIRE....I-IT SMASHED CARS, A-A-AND ITS PROPELLER SLICED AND DICED A LOT OF P-P-P- (SOB) PEOPLE!"
(SOUND OF AN EXPLOSION- MUFFLED SCREAMS IN THE BACKGROUND- MAN SCREAMING HISTERICALLY "THEY KILLED PEPE'! THEY KILLED HIM....PEPE' IS DEAD!!!!)
ELDERLY WOMAN:
(CRYING IN A PANIC)
"OH MY!!!! LORDY LORDY LORDY.....A CAR EXPLODED!!!!!! THE ROAD IS ON FIRE...THAT MAN- HE'S BURNING ALIVE....SOMEONE, PLEASE HELP H-H-HIM....(SOB) THERE'S BLOODY MEAT- EVERYWHERE!" (END SEGMENT)
BMW:
(SHAKEN BY THE RECORDING- SOMEONE CAN BE HEARD VOMITING IN
THE BACKGROUND....)
"WEATHER IS PRESENTLY GETTING WORSE AT THE CRASH SITE. IT IS UNCLEAR ABOUT THE STATUS OF THE HELP THAT IS ARRIVING.
WE WILL HAVE MORE DETAILS AS THEY ARE AVAILABLE."
DIALOGUE E: "CHAOS"
HARRY:
"OFFICIALS HAVE DECLARED A STATE OF EMERGENCY AT COLUMBUS AND DALE MABRY. HERE'S BMW WITH AN UPDATE."
BMW:
"WELL HARRY, BETWEEN THE LOCKED TRAFFIC, THE RIOT, AND THE SEVERE STORM THAT IS NOW BOMBARDING TAMPA BAY, THINGS DO NOT LOOK GOOD. EMERGENCY VEHICLES HAVE BEEN UNABLE TO GET ANYWHERE NEAR THE AREA. THE TORRENTIAL RAIN AND GUSTY WIND HAVE BROUGHT VISIBILITY TO ZERO, AND TRAFFIC IS A STANDSTILL FROM KENNEDY SOUTH DALE MABRY TO CAROLLWOOD, AND FROM THE COURTNEY CAMPBELL TO I-275. WE HAVE REPORTS OF URBAN FLOODING; THE WATER IS UP TO CAR DOORS IN A LOT OF PLACES."
HARRY:
"IS THERE ANY WORD ON AIR DOG?"
BMW:
"THERE WERE REPORTS THAT, WHAT WAS LEFT OF OUR HELICOPTER, WAS ON FIRE. IT'S IRONIC THAT, WITH THE WEATHER BEING A CONTRIBUTING FACTOR TO THE LACK OF TIMELY HELP, THAT IT MAY HAVE PUT OUT THE REPORTED FIRES."
HARRY:
"WE'LL HAVE MORE AS IT'S AVAILABLE."
DIALOGUE F: "(LIKE A) PRAYER"
HARRY:
"HELLO TAMPA BAY. HARRY PALMER HERE, AND LIKE MOST OF YOU WE'RE WAITING ON MORE NEWS ON THE CRISIS THAT WE'VE BEEN DEALING WITH. W.K.I.D.'S HELICOPTER CRASHED IN A FREAK ACCIDENT; WE DON'T YET KNOW WHETHER OUR FRIEND AND COLLEAGUE AIR DOG AND HIS PILOT ARE ALIVE OR DEAD. A LOT OF YOU, AS A RESULT OF THIS DISASTER, ARE SITTING IN YOUR CARS, IDLING OR PARKED, UNABLE TO GO ANYWHERE BECAUSE OF THE GRID LOCK. CHIN UP, TAMPA BAY, YOU MAY BE STRANDED AND FRUSTRATED, BUT YOU ARE NOT ALONE. WE'RE IN THIS-TOGETHER. OUR PRAYERS GO OUT TO THE VICTIMS OF THIS TRAGEDY."
HARRY:
"AT THIS TIME, WE'LL TAKE A CALL ON LINE 2; (SOBER) W.K.I.D., HARRY PALMER HERE, WHO AM I TALKING TO?"
CALLER:
(MAN IN A DEEP, HUSKY VOICE)
"YOU PEOPLE ARE THE PROBLEM WITH THIS COMMUNITY!"
HARRY: (TAKEN ABACK)
"EXCUSE ME?!?!"
MAN:
"YOU HEARD ME, SIR- YOU PEOPLE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATHS OF HUNDREDS OF PEACEFUL PROTESTERS- AIR DOG HAS NO BUSINESS REPORTING ON TRAFFIC THE WAY HE IS!!!! YOU PEOPLE ARE TOTALLY IRRESPONSIBLE.....YOU MAKE ME SICK!!!!"
HARRY:
"WELL GUY, IF YOU'RE REALLY FEELING THAT SICK, YOU'RE MORE THAN WELCOME TO COME DOWN TO THE STUDIO AND ADD TO THE MESS ON THE FLOOR- OUR TECHNICAL DIRECTOR LOST HIS LUNCH....."
MAN: (AGITATED)
"WHAT?!?! I TELL YOU WHAT, YOU DEGENERATE, I'M COMING DOWN THERE WITH SOME OF MY FRIENDS- WE'RE GOING TO GIVE YOU A PROTEST LIKE YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE!!!!"
HARRY:
"-AND I'M SURE YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE, GUY- GIVE US A BREAK! WE'RE ALL HERE, FACING A CRISIS, AND PEOPLE LIKE YOU WANT TO STIR IT UP MORE....."
MAN:
"PEOPLE LIKE ME?!?!?! I SUPPOSE THAT YOU'RE GOING TO LABEL BE A GEEK, LIKE YOU DID THAT CALLER EARLIER?!?!"
HARRY:
"IF THE SHOE FITS........."
MAN:
"YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR BACK........" (((CLICK)))
HARRY:
"WELL TAMPA BAY, THERE YOU HAVE IT- ANOTHER CALL FROM A GEEK!
IF THERE ARE ANY MORE GEEKS OUT THERE, PLEASE, DON'T BOTHER CALLING US UP AT THE STATION- YOU SHOULD BE HANGING WITH KIM AND THE GUY WHO JUST CALLED......."
MONOLOGUE 3: "RESCUE (ME)"
BMW:
"THIS IS BMW WITH MORE BREAKING NEWS- WEATHER HAS NOT IMPROVED OVER THE DISASTER ZONE, BUT RESCUE CREWS HAVE ARRIVED. THE RIOT WAS DISPERSED BY THE SEVERE WEATHER, AND AIR DOG AND OUR PILOT ARE BEING TAKEN TO ST JOSEPH'S HOSPITAL IN SERIOUS CONDITION. POLICE EXPECT TRAFFIC TO BE ABLE TO MOVE AGAIN WITHIN THE NEXT TWO HOURS.
A MOB OF ANGRY PROTESTERS HAS GATHERED IN THE STUDIO PARKING LOT OF W.K.I.D. POLICE ARE ENROUTE TO THE SCENE, AND IT DOES APPEAR THAT THE CROWD WILL DISPERSE IN A CIVILIZED, ORDERLY MANNER....
THIS HAS BEEN A NEWS BULLETIN FOR W.K.I.D."
DIALOGUE G: "THE SIEGE"
HARRY:
"WELL TAMPA BAY, IT LOOKS LIKE A LOT OF YOU HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH US........"
BMW: (FRIGHTENED)
"THERE IS A MASSIVE RIOT HERE AT W.K.I.D. . POLICE ARE ON THE SCENE, TRYING TO KEEP ORDER, BUT........"
HARRY:
"BMW- LOOK OUT THE WINDOW........!!!!"
BMW: (GASPS)
"MY WORD...THAT MAN IS NAKED!"
HARRY:
"HE CUT THROUGH THE FENCE SURROUNDING THE RADIO TOWER WITH WIRE CUTTERS.....HE'S CLIMBING OUR TOWER!!!!"
BMW:
"WHAT A PERVERTED PSYCHO...SOMEONE NEEDS TO DO SOMETHING!"
(SOUND OF TAPPING ON GLASS)
HARRY:
"IT'S RAINING PRETTY HARD OUT THERE- IS THAT HAIL?!?!"
BMW: (YELLS IN A PANIC)
"HARRY- LOOK OU............!"
(SOUND OF SHATTERING GLASS. ANGRY VOICES FOLLOW. MAN IS SCREAMING "YOU KILLED PEPE'! PEPE' IS DEAD!!!!". ANOTHER MAN YELLS "THERE HE IS- LETS JACK HIM!!!!". ANOTHER SHOUTS "FORGET HIM, MUCHACHO'S, GET HER!". )
HARRY: (ANGRY BY THE INTRUSION)
"GET THE HELL OUT OF MY STUDIO!"
BMW: (SCREAMS)
"GET YOUR HAND OFF ME, YOU ANIMAL!!!!"
RIOTER #1:
"SHUT THE HELL UP, MR DJ!"
(THE MAN PUNCHES HARRY. SOUND OF HIT AND CRASH TO THE FLOOR)
HARRY: (MOANS IN PAIN)
"BMW, RUN!!!!"
RIOTER #2:
"FREE CASTRO!"
RIOTER #1:
"HEY AMIGO, CASTRO AINT THE ONE WHO NEEDS TO BE FREE- IT'S OUR PEOPLE......"
BMW: (IN FAR BACKGROUND)
"HARRY!!!!!!"
RIOTER #3: (SOBBING BITTERLY)
"PEP-PE-PEPE' IS DEAD!!!! PEPE' IS DEAD! YOU KILLED PEPE'!"
RIOTER#2:
"UH-OH....DEATH TO CASTRO!!!! FREE CUBA!!!!"
HARRY: (GROANS IN PAIN)
"YOU'RE NOT TAKING THIS STATION WITHOUT A FIGHT......."
RIOTER #1:
"SHUT UP, MURDERER! I KICK YOU FOR MY BROTHERS THAT DIED TODAY....." (SOUND OF KICK)
HARRY:
"OOOOOOF!"
RIOTER #3: (CRYING)
"YOU MURDERED PEPE'! YOU KILLED MY BOYFRIEND!"
BMW: (IN BACKGROUND)
"TO HELL WITH PEPE'!!!!"
(BMW SCREAMS. SOUND OF THUNDER; STATIC AS STATION GOES OFF THE AIR........)
(DEAD AIR)
EPILOGUE (CPR OUTRO)
BMW:
"CALL IT DEVINE INTERVENTION, CALL IT A MIRACLE; CALL IT WHAT YOU WILL. THREE HOODLUMS HAD HARRY AND I CORNERED. THE NAKED PROTESTER WHO SCALED THE TOWER MADE IT NEAR THE TOP, AND HAD JUST STARTED TO SABOTAGE OUR TRANSMITTER WHEN A STREAK OF LIGHTNING HIT HIM. THE LIGHTNING BOLT CRISPY FRIED THE POOR YANK, BLEW OUT OUR TRANSMITTER, AND KNOCKED OUT THE STATION'S POWER. FORTUNATELY FOR HARRY AND I, WE WERE AWAY FROM THE RADIO STATION'S CONTROL COUNSOL. THE HOODLUMS, EAGER TO VOICE THEIR OPINIONS OVER THE AIR, JUST HAPPENED TO BE AT THE CONTROLS. THE LIGHTNING TRAVELED DOWN THE TOWER, THROUGH THE CABLE, AND ARCED OUT OF THE CONTROL COUNSOL IN A FREAK ACCIDENT. ALL THREE OF THE HOODS GOT MORE JUICE THAN THEY BARGAINED FOR. THEY SURVIVED, BUT ONE ENDED UP WITH STUTTERING
PROBLEM, ONE BECAME A PRIEST, AND THE CHAP WHO WAS WHINING ABOUT PEPE' BEGAN TO THINK THAT PEPE' POSSESSED HIM THROUGH THE LIGHTNING. AFTER A WHILE, HE THOUGHT HE WAS PEPE'. ALL OF THE HOODLUMS BUT THE PRIEST ARE STILL IN JAIL....WORD HAS IT THAT PEPE' II IS EVERYONE'S BOYFRIEND.
AIR DOG SPENT SOME TIME IN THE ICU AT ST JOSEPH'S HOSPITAL BEFORE HE DIED. I WILL NEVER FORGET HIS FINAL WORDS TO ME- AND I'M NOT CERTAIN IF I CHERISH THEM. THIS MUCH I DO KNOW- AIR DOG DIED A HAPPY MAN. HE WENT WITH A SMILE ON HIS FACE. I MADE SURE OF THAT....
HARRY TOOK A LONG VACATION WHILE THE RADIO STATION WAS BEING REPAIRED. HE AND I ARE BACK ON THE JOB, BUT WE BOTH KNOW THAT THINGS WILL NEVER AGAIN BE THE WAY THEY WERE.
THE WAY THEY WERE BEFORE THAT RUSH HOUR....."
DIALOGUE X: (CPR SECRET #1) "FINAL REQUEST"
(SOUND OF ELECTRONIC EQUIPMENT, EKG BEEPS. INTERCOM ANNOUNCEMENT "DR JOPLIN, OP ROOM B, DR JOPLIN, OP ROOM B....")
BMW:(HUSHED, REVERENT TONE)
"I'M HERE FOR YOU AIR DOG, I'M HERE......."
AIR DOG: (STRAINED, HOARSE VOICE)
"BEEMER.....THANKS FOR THE VISIT......"
BMW:
"WHAT?!"
AIR DOG:
"PLEEEEASE BEEMER, COME CLOSER......"
BMW:
"SHHHHH......RELAX AIR DOG, I'M HERE FOR YOU."
AIR DOG:
"PLEASE, BEND DOWN, TOWARD ME- MY LIFE WILL BE COMPLETE IF ONLY I CAN GAZE INTO YOUR EYE'S BEFORE I DIE........"
BMW: (A BIT CHOKED UP)
"OK, SWEETIE, OK...."
AIR DOG: (EXHALES, COUGHS)
"THAT'S NICE........REAL NICE.........."
BMW: (SIGHS IN DISGUST)
"YOU.... YOU BLOODY PERV! YOU'RE NOT LOOKING AT MY EYES......!"
AIR DOG: (COUGHS)
"MY GOD...THE 8TH WONDERS OF THE WORLD.....THEY'RE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SIGHT IN THE WORLD.....A PRELUDE TO HEAVEN!"
BMW: (SIGHS)
"YOU........IF YOU WEREN'T IN SUCH BAD SHAPE, I'D SMACK YOU...........
REALLY? YOU'RE SERIOUS, RIGHT- NOT DELIRIOUS?"
AIR DOG:
"I'VE NEVER BEEN MORE SERIOUS, BEEMER. TELL ME, PLEASE, WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY?"
BMW: (SNIFFS)
"I-I'M SORRY. I'M SO SORRY, SWEETIE........."
AIR DOG:
"HOW LONG?"
BMW:
"NO MORE THAN 24 HOURS.....HOW DO YOU FEEL?"
AIR DOG:
"I'M GETTING WEAKER......I FEEL SLEEPY...."
BMW: (TAKES A DEEP BREATH)
"THE DOCTOR SAYS THAT YOU HAVE SEVERE INTERNAL BLEEDING, YOU BLOODY YANK.......THEY CAN'T STOP IT. MY GOD, JUST THE OTHER DAY I REALIZED THAT I COULDN'T STAND YOU....AND NOW, I REALIZE THAT LIFE WITHOUT YOU HARASSING ME EVERY DAY WOULD BE A BLOODY BORE. I MISS YOU ALREADY.....I MISS YOU NOW!"
AIR DOG:
"I ALWAYS KNEW YOU CARED, BEEMER....." (TRIES TO LAUGH. ENDS UP COUGHING, INSTEAD.....)
BMW:
"WELL, I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE, YOU KNOW. HARRY AND THE STAFF AT THE STATION SEND THEIR LOVE........."
AIR DOG:
"MAY I ASK YOU A FAVOR-A FINAL REQUEST?"
BMW:
"SURE, ANYTHING......"
AIR DOG:
"COME HERE, I'LL WHISPER IT IN YOUR EAR......"
(WHISPERING SOUND. BMW LAUGHS)
BMW:
"YOU'RE A BLOODY FOOL, YOU KNOW? I COULD GET ARRESTED- THERE ARE DOCTORS AND NURSES RIGHT OUTSIDE THE DOOR........"
AIR DOG:
"MY LIFELONG DESIRE WOULD BE QUENCHED- MY LIFE WOULD BE COMPLETE.....I WOULD HAVE BEEN WITH AN ANGEL BEFORE I DIED..."
BMW:
"OOOOH, SUCH A POET, YOU ARE. I MUST ADMIT, I'M INTRIGUED. AN ANGEL, EH?"
AIR DOG:
"IF GOD WAS AN ARTIST, YOU'D BE HIS MONA LISA......."
BMW:
"OK, I'LL DO IT. LET ME LOCK THE DOOR FIRST........"
(SOUND ON METAL DOOR HANDLE, PIN. SOUND OF SHELF BEING SLID ACROSS FLOOR)
BMW:
"THIS MAY BE A BIT FUN.....BUT LET ME BLOCK THE DOOR WITH THIS SHELF. AFTER ALL, I HAVE A REPUTATION TO PROTECT. I WON'T BE A MOMENT.........OK, THERE. ARE YOU READY FOR ME, SWEETIE?"
AIR DOG:
"THE BEGINNING OF THE END IS SWEET......."
(CUT TO DR JOPLIN AT ICU NURSE STATION)
COMMERCIAL PARODIES
12 COMMERCIAL SCRIPTS
COMMERCIAL 001: "FREDERICK'S OF CAROLLWOOD"
GIRL:
"EXPERIENCE THE ULTIMATE IN SENSUAL NIGHTWEAR- COME, VISIT US AT FREDERICK'S OF CAROLLWOOD. TOP OF THE LINE LINGERIE IN LACE, COTTON BRIEFS, AND RUBBER WEAR. WE OFFER HIGH QUALITY WEARABLES AT AFFORDABLE PRICES, AND OUR INTIMATE TRADE IN PROGRAM ENABLES YOU TO SAVE EVEN MORE. JUST BRING IN YOUR OLD, UNWANTED LINGERIE AND BIKINIS, AND WE'LL GIVE YOU IN STORE CREDIT TOWARD PURCHASES. IT'S THAT EASY! FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT LIKE TO TRY BEFORE YOU BUY, OUR EXCLUSIVE PRIVATE DRESSING ROOMS PROVIDE THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO SO......AND MEN, WE HAVEN'T LEFT YOU OUT IN THE COLD, EITHER- OUR PRIVATE MODELING SESSIONS ARE THE TOAST OF TAMPA BAY. FREDERICK'S OF CAROLLWOOD- JUST ONE BLOCK NORTH OF BUSCH BLVD, LOCATED AT THE CORNER OF DALE MABRY NORTH AND LAKE CAROLLWAY RD."
COMMERCIAL 002: "PORTER'S GYM"
MACHOMON:
"ARE YOU TIRED OF EATING BEACHFULLS OF SAND? ARE THE GIRLS LAUGHING AS THEY WATCH YOU FLOAT AWAY ON THE KISSES THEY BLOW AT YOUR BEST FRIEND? IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE...
HERE AT PORTER'S GYM, WE LONG TO PUMP- YOU UP! COME, TAKE A FREE, LOW COST TOUR OF OUR PALACE OF SWEAT AND STEEL. IT IS HERE THAT BOY BECOMES MAN. HI, I'M PORTER. I USED TO BE A HUMAN PIPE CLEANER, TOO, INVISIBLE TO ALL BUT THE MOST HOMELY OF GIRLS. THAT IS, UNTIL I DISCOVERED FORMULA SIX AND FREEWEIGHTS. OUR ULTRA SECRET FORMULA SIX, TAKEN AS PAINLESS INJECTIONS TWICE A DAY, ENABLE MASSIVE GAINS IN MUSCLE MASS. ITS COMPLETELY SAFE, AND, LETS FACE IT, GUYS, ISN'T LOOKING BUFF WORTH THE EASY FINANCE PROGRAM WE OFFER EXCLUSIVELY TO OUR MEMBERS? FOR THE LADIES OUT THERE, WE HAVE THE EXCLUSIVE FORMULA NINE, FORMULATED ESPECIALLY FOR THE MODERN WOMAN IN YOU.
PORTER'S GYM. IT'S TIME TO GET THAT LIFE THAT YOU DESERVE."
COMMERCIAL 003: "CLUB VIXEN"
GIRL:
"CALLING ALL YOU GENTLEMEN OUT THERE...THE NIGHT CLUB OF YOUR DREAMS HAS ARRIVED! ANNOUNCING CLUB VIXEN, LAKELAND'S PREMIER NIGHT SPOT WHERE EVERY NIGHT IS LADIES NIGHT. DANCE TO THE SPIN OF RESIDENT DJ KENNY MC, TALK WITH THE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN OF THE RED ROOM, OR PURGE YOUR PROBLEMS IN THE COOKIE ZONE.
CLUB VIXEN, HIGHWAY 98, LAKELAND!"
COMMERCIAL 004: "PIGS"
ANNOUNCER:
"TONIGHT....THE LAW COMES HOME! PIGS, THE FIRST TRUE TO LIFE POLICE DOCUDRAMA PREMIERS ON UGN, CHANNEL 45! PIGS- REAL LIFE, REAL DRAMA, REAL ACTION. COME ALONG WITH THE MEN AND WOMEN IN BLUE OF TAMPA BAY AS THEY PROUDLY ENFORCE THE LAW......."
SUSPECT:
"GOOD EVENING OFFICER, DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG?"
OFFICER:
"YEAH, YOU LOOKED AT ME, YOU (BEEP)-ING LITTLE PUNK! GIVE ME YOUR LICENSE AND REGISTRATION, NOW!"
SUSPECT:
"WHAT?!?!"
OFFICER:
"(BEEP)! ARE YOU STUPID, OR DO YOU HAVE A (BEEP)-ING HEARING PROBLEM, BOY?!?! DON'T GIVE ME NO (BEEP) TONIGHT, I'M IN NO MOOD TO PLAY GAMES......"
SUSPECT:
"UH, LET ME LOOK FOR IT, SIR......"
OFFICER:
"HURRY THE (BEEP) UP, BOY! I DON'T HAVE ALL (BEEP)-ING NIGHT......"
SUSPECT:
"OK, OK, SHEESH....."
OFFICER:
"YOU GIVING ME LIP, BOY? GET THE (BEEP) OUT OF THE CAR, NOW!!!!"
SUSPECT:
"OFFICER, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!!! I'M ON MY WAY TO MY FRATERNITY HOUSE FOR A GET TOGETHER........"
OFFICER:
"I TOLD YOU TO GET OUT OF THE (BEEP)-ING CAR, YOU (BEEP)-ING (BEEP)!"
SUSPECT:
"WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, SIR, USING LANGUAGE LIKE THAT TOWARD ME......WHY ARE YOU PUTTING YOUR HAND ON THAT CLUB?!?!?! OK, OK, I'M GETTING OUT NOW........."
OFFICER:
"EVEN THOUGH IT IS NONE OF YOUR (BEEP)-ING BUSINESS, YOU LITTLE (BEEP), I AM THE LAW! I'M NOT PAID ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH (BEEP)-ING CRIMINALS LIKE.......(BEEP)!!!!! YOU RAISING YOUR HAND TO ME, BOY?!?!?!"
SUSPECT: (TERRIFIED)
"N-N-N-NO SIR, I SLIPPED GETTING OUT- HONEST! PLEASE, DON'T HIT ME, OFFICER, DON'T HIT ME WITH THAT!"
OFFICER:
"YOU FEELING LUCKY, TONIGHT, PUNK? IT'S EITHER THIS, OR MY (BEEP)-ING 9MM......GO AHEAD, MAKE MY NIGHT!"
SUSPECT: (TREMBLING VOICE)
"P-P-P-PLEASE SIR, I DIDN'T DO........"
OFFICER: (SCREAMS)
"RAISE YOUR HAND TO ME?!?! YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT...."
(SOUNDS OF COP BEATING SUSPECT)
SUSPECT: (GASPING IN BETWEEN HITS)
"RODNEY KING! RODNEY KING!! AAAAAUGHHHHHHHGHT!!!!"
OFFICER:
"(BEEP)! SHUT THE (BEEP) UP, YOU LITTLE (BEEP)! NOT EVEN RODNEY KING CAN SAVE YOU, YOU DUMB (BEEP)!!!! WHERE WAS I- OH, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT......."
(COP CONTINUES TO BEAT SUSPECT. SUSPECT SCREAMS)
ANNOUNCER:
"PIGS. PREMIERING TONIGHT AT 8, ONLY ON CHANNEL 45!"
COMMERCIAL 005: "TRICKY MICKEY'S TRICKED TRUCKS"
GUY:
"CRUISE WITH THE COOLEST TRICKED TRUCKS IN THE BAY AREA!
WHAT'S UP, I'M TRICKY MICKY HOGEY, THE SULTAN OF TRICKED TRUCKS AND KEEPER OF THE FINEST BABE IN FLORIDA......WHEN I'M NOT KEEPING MY SHOW TRUCK WASHED AND WAXED AND SHOWING OFF MY MODEL WIFE, TALESHA, I'M DOING THINGS TO AVERAGE TRUCKS LIKE YOURS TO GIVE THEM AN EDGE. I KNOW ALL OF YOU GUYS OUT THERE AREN'T BABE MAGNETS LIKE MYSELF, AND I KNOW YOU WANT EVERY ADVANTAGE YOU CAN GET......"
GUY:
"I CAN TRICK YOUR TRUCK SO BAD THAT EVERY BABE WITHIN EYESHOT WILL NOTICE YOU! MY FULLY EQUIPPED BODY SHOP CAN DO EVERYTHING FROM CUSTOM BODY WORK, ENHANCED QUAD-COAT PAINTJOBS, ALL THE WAY DOWN TO CUSTOM AUDIO/VIDEO SYSTEMS AND STATE OF THE ART SECURITY SYSTEMS.
CHECK OUT TRICKY MICKEY'S TRICKED TRUCKS TODAY- OUR TRUCKS ARE THE TRICK. WITH OUR BAG OF TRICKS, YOU JUST MIGHT LAND A WOMAN HALF AS GOOD LOOKING AS MY WIFE!"
COMMERCIAL 006: "CIRCUS CRUISE LINES"
GIRL:
"GET AWAY FROM IT ALL.....ON CIRCUS CRUISE LINES! OUR CRUISES TO THE CARRIBEAN ARE OUT OF THIS WORLD- A LOW 599.99 FOR A PARTY OF TWO GETS YOU A WEEKEND WITH A SPACIOUS DECK CABIN, ACCESS TO OUR CASINO'S AND SHOPS, AND SIX STAR DINNER SHOW ENGAGEMENTS GUARANTEED TO SPARK THOSE ROMANTIC FIRES! AFTER DINNER, FEEL FREE TO TAKE A WALK UP TO OUR MOONLIT DECKS, TO TALK, OR PERHAPS LEAN OVER THE RAILING AND FEED THE THOUSANDS OF FISH BEHIND THE SHIP. NOTHING CAN BE MORE SPECIAL THAN A CRUISE WITH CIRCUS CRUISE LINES.
CALL TODAY- 18005555612. THE WEEKEND OF YOUR LIFE IS BUT A PHONECALL AWAY....."
COMMERCIAL 007: "SLIM SYSTEMS"
GIRL:
"TIRED OF TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT, AND GAINING IT INSTEAD? TRY NO MORE- SLIM SYSTEMS IS NOW OFFERING IT'S ULTRADIET SPECIAL. JUST ONE SMALL PILL TAKEN AFTER EVERY MEAL WILL ALLEVIATE THE BURDEN OF THOSE EXTRA CALORIES AFTER ONLY THIRTY MINUTES! SIGN UP NOW AND RECEIVE OUR EXCLUSIVE, EXTRA STRENGTH MOUTHWASH, FREE!
IT'S TIME TO SLIM DOWN, WITH SLIM SYSTEMS!"
COMMERCIAL 008: "SKIDZ"
MAN (?):
"SKIDZ, TAMPA BAY'S NEWEST ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLES NIGHTCLUB IN THE HEART OF YBOR CITY, WELCOMES THE CURIOUS MEN AND WOMEN OF THE 90'S! JOIN US; LEAVE YOU'RE SKIDZMARK ON THE WILDEST DANCE ZONE AROUND THE WORLD- EXPLORE LIFE WITH PEOPLE JUST LIKE YOU!
PINK MEANS HALF COVER AT THE DOOR, ONLY AT SKIDZ! MENS NIGHT EVERY FRIDAY AT 9!"
COMMERCIAL 009: "FLORIDA YOUR FAULT"
MAN:
"WE SAY LOW TO HIGH INSURANCE RATES! ACTUALLY, THAT'S NOT THE CASE, BUT WE DEFINITELY GOT YOUR ATTENTION, AND SINCE NO ONE ELSE WILL GIVE YOU THE INSURANCE COVERAGE THAT'S REQUIRED BY LAW, THIS MESSAGE IS FOR YOU!
FLORIDA YOUR FAULT OFFERS THE INSURANCE THAT YOU DESPERATELY NEED- COVERAGE IS GUARANTEED FOR EVERY DRIVER WITH A VALID DRIVERS LICENSE, REGARDLESS OF YOUR ACCIDENT RECORD......
GIRL:
"I WAS, LIKE, DRIVING ALONG ZONIN' OUT TO THE TOTALLY INTOXICATING SMELL OF MY NAIL POLISH THAT WAS LIKE, TRYING TO DRY, WHEN THIS REALLY OLD PERSON IN THIS TUB CAR PULLED OUT IN FRONT OF ME- OR MAYBE IT WAS ALREADY THERE, I DON'T KNOW...... ANYWAY, MY AIRBAGGIE LIKE, POPPED OUT, AND RASHED MY MAKEUP, YA KNOW............?"
MAN:
"FLORIDA YOUR FAULT. IT'S NOT OUR FAULT, IF YOU CAN'T DRIVE!"
COMMERCIAL 010: "CIRCLE OF FRIENDS"
ANNOUNCER:
"TONIGHT, ON CIRCLE OF FRIENDS......LISA AND MACK CONSUMMATE A FORBIDDEN RELATIONSHIP....AND TREVOR MAKES A GRUESOME DISCOVERY......."
LISA:
"YOU KNOW, MACK I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS WITH YOU AND THAT MONKEY. WHAT'S GOING ON? DON'T YOU WANT ME AROUND ANYMORE?"
MACK:
"WHAT MONKEY?"
LISA:
"THE MONKEY THAT'S ALWAYS ON YOUR BACK, MACK, JEEZ!"
MACK:
"LET'S NOT HURL PEBBLES AT ME, BABE-IF I HAVE A MONKEY, YOU HAVE A GORILLA ON YOURS.....YOU KNOW, YOUR WEED PROBLEM. I GET SICK AND TIRED OF "WANT TO HIT ON MY BONG WITH ME TONIGHT, MACK?"...."CAN YOU SPOT ME A TEN, MACK, FOR A DIME.....". I'M TIRED OF IT!!!!"
LISA:
"MACK- I'M TAKING ABOUT THE STUPID MONKEY THAT'S ON YOUR BACK ALL THE TIME- WHAT'S HIS NAME, CHEWIE?"
MACK:
"OH....CHEWIE...HE'S MY LITTLE BUDDIE! CHEWIES MY FRIEND....."
LISA:
"YOU KNOW, MACK, I'M YOUR FRIEND, TOO. I'M FEELING KIND OF FRIENDLY, TOO, RIGHT NOW...."
MACK:(NERVOUS)
"W-WHAT ABOUT TREVOR? I'M HIS FRIEND; WE CAN'T DO THIS......."
LISA: (MIFFED)
"ANYMORE? JEEZ MACK, WHAT'S ONE MORE TIME? WE'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR OVER A YEAR NOW!!!!"
TREVOR:( IN BACKGROUND)
"SO, NOW WE FIND OUT WHAT THE DEAL IS!"
LISA: (SURPRISED)
"TREVOR, HOW LONG HAVE YOU......"
TREVOR:
"LONG ENOUGH. HOW COULD YOU, MACK? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? I THOUGHT WE WERE...... FRIENDS."
MACK:
"I'M SORRY, MAN, YOU'RE GIRLFRIEND HERE, SHE'S JUST TO MUCH TO RESIST! SHE'S A HOT LITTLE NUMBER........"
TREVOR:
"HOW CAN YOU TAKE THE MONKEY OFF MY BACK, MACK?!? CHEWIES MY BUD!"
MACK: (SURPRISED)
"YOU'RE NOT MAD ABOUT ME AND LISA SLEEPING TOGETHER?"
TREVOR:
"WHAT? DUDE, WE'RE FRIENDS! THAT'S OLD NEWS TO ME...."
ANNOUNCER:
"CIRCLE OF FRIENDS. TONIGHT AT 8, ONLY ON CHANNEL 17!"
COMMERCIAL 011: "PSYCHO FRIENDS NETWORK"
WOMAN:
"DOOOOO YOOOOOOU WONDER WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS FOR YOU?
HMMMMMMMM?
WONDER..... NO MORE!!!!!
CALL US......AT 1-900-DY-TNITE
GIVE US YOUR ADDRESS
AND A PSYCHO FRIEND WILL PERSONALLY
DELIVER YOUR ANSWER
AT.... YOUR DOOR!!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!"
COMMERCIAL 012: "CARING HANDS"
CHILD:
"DADDY, DOES MOMMY LOVE ME ANYMORE?"
FATHER:
"I DON'T THINK YOU WANT TO KNOW, SON......."
CHILD:
"SHE'S NOT HUNGRY ANYMORE....SHE'S ALWAYS SLEEPING!"
FATHER:
"IT'S YOU, SON. MOMMY HATES YOU. SHE GETS SO SICK OF HAVING TO LOOK AT YOUR UGLY MUNCHKIN LOOKING FACE SHE DOESN'T WANT TO DEAL WITH IT ANYMORE."
CHILD: (STARTS TO TENDERLY CRY)
"MOMMY..... HATES ME?!?!?!"
FATHER: (WITH A SOFT VOICE)
"NO, IT'S NOT REALLY THAT, SON. I HATE YOU. MOMMY'S DEPRESSED ALL THE TIME BECAUSE OF YOU, AND I'M AFRAID IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT. I WAS GOING TO GET MOMMY HELP, MY MY WORK LET MY MEDICAL INSURANCE LAPSE, AND I WAS UNABLE TO AFFORD IT WITHOUT THE INSURANCE. I JUST CAME FROM MOMMY'S ROOM, SON. I'M AFRAID THAT SHE TOOK A WHOLE BOTTLE OF SLEEPING PILLS. MOMMY'S NOT SAD ANYMORE.....THANK GOD FOR THAT"
CHILD:
"NOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
ANNOUNCER:
"DEPRESSION. SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. EATING DISORDERS. RELIGION. MARRIAGE. IF YOU OR YOUR LOVED ONE HAVE A PROBLEM, WE CAN HELP. WE'RE CARING HANDS OF TAMPA BAY. IF WE CAN'T PROVIDE THE ASSISTANCE THAT YOU REQUIRE, PLEASE, SEEK IT ELSEWHERE....JUST REMEMBER, THEY'LL CHARGE YOU MORE."
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